Finding a kind and loving support network for all but the world’s luckiest folks is a lifelong project. Multiply that times…what…infinity?…and it’s that much more challenging for trans* persons of experience to cultivate and to find.
Times are changing…we have trans* prom kings and queens, and public shaming or dismissal of trans* folks is becoming the real taboo, as it should be. Unfortunately for every advancement, inexcusable ignorance becomes much more identifiable and still continues to proliferate.
So of course, we still have a long way to go—and the more resources, gatherings and health-related modalities and methodologies that come to light in order to support, help, uplift and empower trans* persons of experience and their loved ones, the better.
If you’re reading this, you aim to support or share supportive resources with trans* persons, friends, families members, peers or others in solidarity. Here’s hoping you find useful resources, places and spaces to share below.
For Families
Conferences meant for families and/or mental health/medical service providers are extremely helpful places to connect and network with others.
If you’re in one of the many healing progressions, it would benefit you to visit family-specific conferences, and vice-versa.
These gatherings serve many purposes: they create a safe space for exploring ideas of gender and identity, to exchange information, for educating and connecting service providers, healing professionals and families, and for co-creating community. With each step forward, with each new truth shared and experienced, we help to eradicate stigma and put education and compassion in its place.
The conferences below make up just a handful of available resources for trans* youth, their parents, educators and families.
TransFamily is a support group for trans* persons and their SOFFAS
“Making SpaceSafe,” by Loree Cook‐Daniels and
Guidelines for Trans*/SOFFA people and groups, encouraging inclusiveness.
PFLAG Local Support for Trans* People and Their Families: http://community.pflag.org/transgender
Lifeworks Mentoring (Los Angeles) sponsors The Models of Pride weekend, which includes a Models of Pride fair, entertainment, dance and meals. Past performers have included Kathy Griffin, select talent from Glee, and Dustin Lance Black.
Gender Spectrum Family Conference (See: “Events.”)
Gender Spectrum provides many resources for the trans* community, and the Family Conference is one of its many standout events. This annual event uncovers issues related to trans* folks and co-creates tangible and actionable solutions for families.
As with thecomplementary conferences noted here, the Gender Odyssey Conference features focus groups, workshops, discussion forums and entertainment. It’s one of the most renowned events and takes place in Seattle, Washington.
Books for Families:
Trans Forming Families: Real Stories about Transgender Loved Ones By Mary Boenke
For Partners
It can be hard to individuate when your partner is experiencing gender-related questions, issues and revelations. You want to be there 100 percent and then some. But even if, let’s say theoretically, things were 100 percent positive, you’d feel as if you were doing or saying something wrong. And to be honest, at times you will be doing or saying something wrong. Congratulations! You’re human.
Humans need support. Be sure to ask for it and be willing to receive it.
As your partner goes through or even begins to examine transitioning, your relationship will, by definition, experience a change. You may experience various stages not unlike the stages of grief—these happen when anything changes in life (the stages include: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance), and of course these phases won’t be linear.
You need to keep this in mind: change can be a celebration, and in this case, encouragement and celebration is highly recommended. There’s nothing more freeing than feeling more fully aligned within oneself. Love your partner for their courage to face and handle the truth. Also: grief is a process, but it’s also a symbol. Even as you grieve certain changes, you make room for a new birth/rebirth. Nothing and no one is dying. Life is beautiful, and here’s another embodiment of this truth.
Don’t let transphobic notions creep into your relationship–not only is it bunk, the arguments are tired, and the truth is liberating. Call yourself on your own isht on a regular basis. Replace fear with love–yes, on a regular basis.
Love, honor and respect your partner for the person they are—the person who brought them to this new transitional phase in life. And continue to love, respect and honor your partner as they embody what it means to be more comfortable and aligned within themselves.
The best thing you can do is to continue to be be supportive and compassionate, and extend that same support and compassion to yourself. You can’t make your partner’s transition about you, but again, you’re human—it’s going to happen. The best thing you can do is find support and kinship with folks who’ve gone through it. Such connections prove beneficial to everyone involved.
There’s an alchemy in any change: your awareness will become heightened. You’ll find you become much more receptive to your own truths. Note and share your observations with those you truth. You may find you effect a healing and an elegant transition of your own (or two…or ten).
When someone you care for is gender variant, you’re not alone, and you too can find support. There are plenty of resources for SOFFA’s: (Significant Others, Family, Friends and Allies). There are many groups (online and offline), discussion forums, books and organizations already in place who’ve helped many others through the journey, in tandem.
You may not be ready tor each out to others, and there are many resources available to help you to prepare and do the research on your own. Here are a few great starting points:
Brynn Tannehill: Transition Deconstructed http://www.huffingtonpost.com/brynn-tannehill/transition-deconstructed_b_2460514.html
An article with specific suggestions and kind reminders for SOFFA partners and family.
Tranz Guys PDX SOFFAs & Family Resource Page – http://tranzguyspdx.org/resources/soffas-family
SOFFA Support at Tumblr http://soffasupport.tumblr.com
FTMInfo.net Resource List for SOFFAs of FTMs http://www.ftminfo.net/soffa.html
Transgender Forum / TSForum.com – Though the community provides support for trans* persons of experience, SOFFAs are welcome to connect. To read more about TSForum.com here at Gay Agenda, click here.
Books
Transgender Emergence by Arlene Istar-Lev, LCSW
Head over Heals: Wives who Stay with Cross Dressers and Transsexuals by Virginia Erdhart
She’s Not There: A Life in Two Genders by Jenny Finney Boylan
Wives, Partners and Others: Living with Cross-dressing Edited by: Dixon, J. and Dixon, D.
My Husband Betty: Love, Sex and Life with a Cross-Dresser by Helen Boyd
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Wherever you are in the SOFFA alphabet, remember: love in action is surprisingly powerful. All the love you give is a powerful, healing boomerang. When you’re less attached to controlling your partner’s process and the outcome, you’ll both fare better in the present and in the future.
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What resources have you found to be useful? Let us know.
